I was talking with a friend the other day about social media and influencer culture, and something came out of my mouth that I’ve been turning over ever since: “It seems like with social media, we spend a lot of time being human at instead of human with each other.”
The more I sit with that observation, the more I see it everywhere, not just online, but in how we show up as leaders, colleagues, and even as people trying to build meaningful work in the world.
What Does “Human At” Look Like?
Being human at people is performative. It’s when we broadcast our thoughts, demonstrate our expertise, or share our insights in ways that don’t really invite response or relationship. We’re showing up, yes, but in ways that don’t really create the conditions for genuine exchange.
Social media has made this the default mode of interaction. When I post a blog link on LinkedIn, I’m putting something out there: my thoughts, my work, my perspective. The platform, however, isn’t really designed for genuine exchange. It’s designed for me to say something and for others to react: like, comment, share, scroll past.
This isn’t anyone’s fault. The architecture of these platforms rewards broadcasting. The algorithm favors declarative statements, hot takes, polished insights, essentially all the things that it says will position you as someone worth following. In my experience, though, the posts that tend to get the most engagement aren’t the polished declarations of expertise. They’re the more vulnerable, open reflections where someone is honestly working something out. There’s a gap between what the platform is designed to amplify and what actually invites people into relationship.
Most of us don’t set out to be human at people. We’re often trying to connect, to share something meaningful, to invite people into conversation, but the tools we’re using shape how that invitation gets received. What feels like reaching out can land as performing. What we intend as connection becomes content.
The Leadership Parallel
This dynamic isn’t limited to social media. It shows up in leadership all the time.
Think about the leader who gives inspiring speeches but doesn’t create space for dialogue. Or the one who shares their vision but doesn’t invite others to shape it. Or the manager who demonstrates best practices but doesn’t ask what their team is learning. These aren’t necessarily bad leaders. In fact, they might be doing exactly what they’ve been conditioned to believe good leadership looks like.
But, they’re leading at people rather than with them.
This maps directly onto the difference between the concepts of power over and power with. Power over is hierarchical; it flows in one direction, from the person with authority to the people receiving that authority. It’s about demonstrating competence, having answers, and being the expert. Power with is about shared leadership; it requires actual relationship, genuine exchange, and mutual influence.
Leading at people is a performance of leadership. Leading with people requires presence.
Just like with social media, this often isn’t intentional. Leaders aren’t usually setting out to be performative or to keep people at arm’s length. They’re doing what the system has taught them works: be confident, have a vision, provide direction, and demonstrate expertise. The problem is that these very behaviors can prevent the kind of authentic connection and shared power that actually transforms organizations.
The Undercurrent
What strikes me most about this dynamic is how invisible it usually is. We don’t wake up thinking, “today I’m going to perform at people instead of being present with them.” It just happens. The platforms we use, the organizational structures we work within, and the cultural messages we’ve absorbed about what leadership and influence look like all create an undercurrent that pulls us toward performance and away from presence.
Influencer culture has normalized the idea that being seen means broadcasting to an audience. That having impact means accumulating followers. That connection is measured in likes and shares. Even people who aren’t trying to be influencers get caught in this current. We post things not because we want conversation, but because we want visibility. We share insights not to think together, but to demonstrate we’re thinking.
In organizations, hierarchical conditioning has normalized the idea that leadership means having answers, that authority requires certainty, and that influence comes from being the expert in the room. Even leaders who want to share power often find themselves defaulting to these patterns because that’s what the culture expects and rewards.
None of this is malicious. It’s just what happens when we’re swimming in systems designed to reinforce these dynamics.
An Invitation to Notice
So where might you be defaulting to “at” when what you actually want is “with”?
Maybe it’s in how you run meetings: are you presenting information or creating space for people to think together? Maybe it’s in your emails: are you broadcasting updates or inviting dialogue? Maybe it’s in how you share your work online: are you performing expertise or genuinely wondering aloud?
The shift from “at” to “with” isn’t about abandoning platforms or rejecting all structure. It’s about becoming aware of the undercurrent and making conscious choices about when to go with it and when to swim against it.
Sometimes being human at people is exactly what’s needed. There are moments for clear direction, for sharing what you know, for putting something out into the world without needing a response. But when what we’re really after is connection, collaboration, or genuine relationship, we have to recognize that the default modes most of our systems offer us won’t get us there.
Being human with people requires something different: less polish, more presence. Less certainty, more curiosity. Less broadcasting, more genuine exchange. It means being willing not to have all the answers, to think out loud, and to be changed by the conversation rather than just trying to change others.
It’s slower. It’s messier. It doesn’t scale the way performance does.
It’s also the only way real connection happens online, in organizations, or anywhere else.
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